Bully

So I don't quite remember the move from Cali to Sweden.. My father tells me that when my mother decided to leave she just disappeared. He says he stopped giving her cash once she moved out of the house and was living in an apartment with me in Cali. He had gotten a lawyer who stated that all money had to be tracked and to write only checks. My mother then fled the country and left my father.. Alone, depressed, and clueless... he had struggles of his own at that moment. Dealing with a huge house and his baby ripped from his arms and no idea where she was. He took to drugs to calm his mind. This would, in the end, ruin his life. So my first real memory of my mother was in a condo we lived in in Sweden. She had a short temper to say the least. My memories are quite fogged from those days since I was only about 5 years old at the time. Some how she was on top of me on the kitchen floor, chocking me and telling me to die. I was so scared I just closed my eyes and wished, hoped that maybe life would just come to an end that very moment. I felt warmth trickling down my pants and my mother then came to her senses. She got up, took my hand and noticed I had peed myself and said, "I'm sorry, let's take a bath." Needless to say, all the memories of my mother at that time are all violent. There are a couple others in that condo that I do remember, for example when I was watching my favorite movie The Lion King and she got so extremely rageful that she ripped the movie from my hands and threw it as forcefully as she could at the floor so I could watch it shatter (this was a huge ordeal for my little 5 year old brain.) Or the time she was in the kitchen with a man whom I did not know and I thought it would be funny to hide under my bed until she came and searched for me and dragged me out from under there.

In my next memories I was probably around 6 years old. We lived in a new condo now and it was close to my elementary school because we always used to walk to school. We went grocery shopping together. As soon as we walked in something caught my eye, may have been a Barbie or something of that sort. Before I could realize my mother wasn't by my side anymore. I immediately panicked and searched for her everywhere, but i couldnt find her. I was very stressed and began to cry. I went and waited by the exit knowing what was coming my way. She spotted me on her way out and we walked quietly home. Usually once we walk in the door to the condo she shuts and locks the door and we take our shoes off, but this time she didn't waste one minute before she was chasing me around the house. I knew what was coming so i took off, running around the table to get away from her, searching for any way to escape this hell. I then realized I had my shoes on still and the door was still unlocked, so I ran out the door. Then I thought, where the hell was I going? I made a quick decision to run to my grandmother's house. As I was running away I can remember my mother coming to the door yelling, "Go to your Grandmother's house!" Like yeah, no shit.. So anyway I was about 6 years old running down the streets and railroad tracks, past farms and miles of land. Grandma lived about a mile from me at that time I belive, or at least thats what it felt like.. I got to the door and knocked on it, I was hysterically crying. My uncle who was a teenager at the time opened the door. I went inside and told them my story, but nobody seemed to be too impressed by all this. I would just wonder... why? Why won't they save me from this monster!

So here I was again back with the bully of my life. My mother decided that she wanted to teach me a lesson one day. The way you teach children a lesson you ask? You lock them in a closet for hours. I didn't care too much at first. The light was on and it was a walk in closet so there was space. But then when my bladder began to explode that's when I panicked. I screamed and begged, "please let me go to the bathroom, please mommy!" She was just yelling at me from the other side of the door ," Shut up! Shut up or I'll call the cops!" So i had no choice i just peed on the floor. Then finally she let me out.

It was the morning before I went to school. I had a delayed opening for whatever reason. I remember asking her what time I had to be at school, she told me, but then I forgot. A few minutes passed and I asked again, but this time I didn't get such a nice response. She told me to come over by her, so I walked over. Then she began to violently beat me, punching and smacking, grabbing and clawing. She said, "What did I tell you?! Listen the first time and this won't have to happen!" Needless to say, I was very upset going into school that day. The feeling I would have after these incidents was just a feeling of being completely and utterly humiliated. Beaten for no reason and then having to act like it never happened. I'm actually not quite sure how I made it through those tough days.

My next memory of her was her setting me up on the back of her bike. I wasn't sure where we were going, but of course as a child you just go with the flow. We biked for maybe 20 minutes and we pulled up to a building. She brought me inside and I spoke with these really nice two women. My mother left me there and the nice women told me that I was going to stay with someone else for a couple of nights. Honestly I didn't even think twice about it. I got shipped over to a nice woman and husband in Sweden who lived in the middle of nowhere. They had cats, and I loved cats, that's all I remember. I was there for a short period of time before I was back at the building with the two nice women. I remember all my stuff being in a room with them. I burst into tears and begged, pleaded that I not go back to my mother. I was so happy to just not be around her and the violence that came with her. They agreed, and they sent me to a nice family where I was to spend the next two years of my life with. That I will write about in my next blog...

Ready to strike or spare, the trick to aiming.. Is not to.

So for some reason I've just been inspired to start writing out the sequence of events in my life leading up to now. I'm only 20 years of age, but so much has happened in these few young years. Let's start from the beginning. My parents met in California, my mother an au pair from Sweden and my father, born and raised in Paterson NJ. He had taken a job in  California and left everything behind.
 So my father and mother met at a club in Cali. They ended up living the "American Dream" as to say. They got married, my mother at age 19 and my father age 29. Their life was great, my father was wealthy my mother did nothing, so the decided to have a child, me. My mother took her newly born baby home on her 21st birthday (I cannot imagine, I just want to be plastered on my 21st birthday) My father has told me mixed things about my mother. She was crazy and would get rageful and angry to the point of attacking my father. Maybe everything was too over whelming for her. She decided to leave him. She wasn't going to leave alone though. She took the baby with her, back to Sweden where her parents, twin brother and little brother still lived. So I'll leave my story off here.. The next chapter of my life is pretty long as well.